I am not a salmon, so why, for the past 10 years have I been behaving like one? Trying to swim upstream and of course struggling, battling, fighting and not succeeding. The answer to why, of course, is trying to fit in, be like others, be as I think others want me to be – or on a deeper psychological level, following my Script, keeping myself small and looking for mother’s approval – ew!
I’ve given that up now.
Whilst I’ve known the theory on this for years, I’ve still continued this behavior because, of course, continuing allows me to stay in my Script. It is familiar and on one level an easy pattern to follow, and it allows me to continue to not succeed because succeeding would be way to scary!
What would happen if I was to succeed? Who would I become?
I trained as a counselor in 2003 and gave that up a couple of years later, believing myself to be ‘not good enough’. I then trained as an adult teacher and Coach, and when they seemed to be going okay, I sabotaged that by taking a long vacation and then emigrating to Spain, where It would be difficult to find English speakers. In Spain I quickly found work teaching English, and promptly gave that up after four months to ‘concentrate’ on building up a private coaching practice. What a load of bullshit that excuse was! Except that to me, back then, it wasn’t. I really wanted a coaching practice! So again I ignored the easy opportunities that were given to me by the Universe as it wasn’t EXACTLY what I thought I wanted.
So, then came my retreat coach training and running a successful retreat in Spain followed by several requests to run more – which I didn’t because of course that would have meant I had succeeded and I couldn’t let that happen!
So I then train some more as a Transactional Analysis psychotherapist, which required monthly trips to the UK and a lot of financial expenditure. I picked up a couple of clients in Spain, but decided that in order to make my business work, I needed to return to an English speaking country, to the UK. Was this thought a change?
Was this my Adult making a decision instead of my Child? Had I come to a point in the river of life, which was calm, where I could rest and stop swimming against the flow?
To act upon that decision though took time, as I didn’t know where in the UK to live, except I wanted to live anywhere except near my family. I had a great idea. Apply for counselling & teaching jobs and wherever I get offered a job, that’s where I’d live – leave the decision of where to live up to the Universe.
Two years and many interviews later I still have no ‘job’. Why? Because the Universe understands my real desire – I don’t actually want to work for another organization, and I am fooling myself by thinking I do. The Universe knows that and is therefore showing me that.
I have to be ‘grown up’ about this and decide where to be so I grab the bull by the horns, move back to Wales near the family (convenient and cheap) and set up my business in Bristol – a two hour car journey! So I went to the expense of marketing myself as a psychotherapist & coach in Bristol and I got a couple of clients (and an aching body from the travelling), but that’s all it was, for nearly a year, a COUPLE of clients – no more. So, at the beginning of this year, exhausted by the driving, financially drained by fuel costs and little income, I decided to advertise my services locally, and within days my first client turned up on my doorstep, followed a couple of weeks later by the second.
Again the universe was talking to me – was I ready to finally listen and stop making Script based decisions? Is it telling me that this is where I need to be, here in Wales, near my family?
I could make up many reasons why I thought this was still a bad idea, but, tired of going against the flow, I finally began to listen. After Easter I began to work toward ending with clients in Bristol. I had a few more clients come to me at that time, in Bristol – a test I think. Would I continue with my plans to end? I stayed with listening to the Universe. If clients in Bristol wished to continue with me, they would work via Skype. If not, se la vie! – that’s life! Since that decision, clients have flowed in – locally.
Clients who are my ideal,
Clients who are willing to do their inner work.
Clients who are willing to pay – and I live in quite a poverty stricken area.
Every week for the past four or five weeks, I’ve had at least one inquiry from a potential new client. In the 6 months since I decided to work locally, I have now increased my client base to ten weekly clients and the inquiries are still coming in. I’ve just found a room to work out of in a business centre – perfect location, and at a cost that equates to one client. Whilst my clients are psychotherapy clients at present, I already see potential for group retreats with them, and others, and then maybe a different contract for coaching. These are the same dreams I’ve had for the past ten years – little in them has changed.
What has changed, however, is my alignment with the Universe, the flow of life. My ability to truly listen to my life, to the opportunities presented, to my body,to what I WANT not SHOULD want, to what I NEED not SHOULD need.
…and now it’s paying off, my dreams are coming to fruition. I have changed direction, I have stopped struggling, and I am simply floating along with the current of life. Listening, being…and when I hit the occasional rock, I flow around it.
So my advice to anyone reading this, who too is struggling to make things work and not yet succeeding is
LISTEN to your BODY,
LISTEN to the UNIVERSE.
LISTEN to your TRUE desires, not the ‘monkey mind’ of your Script.
Struggling from a place of fear and scarcity will keep you in the place of fear and scarcity. Taking the leap of faith into the unknown by STOPPING, LISTENING and BEING is the only way to truly align yourself with the flow of life.
Jacqui Brooks Art of Living Counselling & Coaching